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Dear Auntie Anne,
I am an Irish woman who has been dating a Black man for over a year now. He cannot tell his Mother about me as she would not approve. I don't want to pressurise him into telling her as it might drive him away, but, will he ever tell her? How can I make him understand?
Loved Up
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Dear Loved Up:
My heart goes out to you, this is one of the hardest things a person can go through.
I loved a man whose father hated black people. Even though he was very close to his father, he'd made up his mind that he wanted to marry me and start a family. Foolishly, I let him go because I didn’t want to become a source of resentment for him -- who wants to think they were the cause of some one cutting ties with their family? That was 15 years ago and I still regret my decision to this day. He was willing to take on his family and had I stayed with him his father migh have come around, especially once grandchildren arrived.
Very few parents, no matter how much they dislike or hate who their child marries, can resist a baby.
Keep in mind that I’m not talking about the people who declare their child as “dead” to them for marrying or being with someone of a different culture or color -- that’s a whole different issue.
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The parents I’m refering to may not be pleased -- or quite vocal in displaying their displeasure -- but they don’t want to alienate their child or risk severing ties with their grown children. Those parents generally come around in time.
Now, I realize the two of you may not even remotely be interested in marrying or having kids... I only shared this story to illustrate that some men will tell their parents about the woman they love, no matter what (and that it in time things work out if you hang in there).
Share this perspective with your man and if he still can’t tell his mother you have to ask yourself some hard questions. Do you really want to be with a man who is ashamed of you? Or do you want a man who is bold enough to stand up to his family, friends and the world and proclaim you as his woman? I’ve seen friends stay with a man who wouldn’t introduce them to his friends, family or anyone important to him. Eventually it takes a huge toll on her self-esteem and their relationship... who wants to feel like your man is seeing you on the down low?
You might also consider asking him what is the worse thing that could happen if he tells his mother.
Although, its is scary as hell to think about, there are times you have to let a man see you are willing to walk if he doesn’t step up to the plate.
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All my best to you Loved Up, I hope you two can work things out and that when your man realizes he could lose you he comes to his senses.
Huggles,
Auntie Anne
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