| My most unsuitable man was a member of a rock 'n' roll band. He had long hair, some interesting tattoos, used every kind of drug imaginable and was great in bed. His life of clubs, touring, all-night recording sessions and endless partying was fun to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there. I was addicted to him sexually, which made him hard to leave -- but, of course, he was no one I could ever spend the rest of my life with. I could hardly introduce him to my friends, let alone marry him. Whenever one of my group met him, they'd roll their eyes and swear I'd lost my mind. Not all unsuitable men are so obvious. A women can fall for one and become emotionally dependent before she realizes that the man is unsuitable or unavailable. If you're twenty and can't resist a fling with one of the Rogue's Gallery listed below, that's one thing. But if you're looking for a marriage partner, don't waste your time with one of these. They may appear eligible at first, and they may ultimately live with you and even love you (in their fashion), but they won't marry you. While the characters in our Rogue's Gallery are a bit exaggerated, the relationship problems they pose are very real. If you're looking for long-term commitment and are involved with one of these guys, dump him immediately. If you date a man and he doesn't respond in normal ways, drop him. He could be gay. He could be neurotic. He could simply not be turned on by you. It really doesn't matter too much why he doesn't respond. If he doesn't call after a reasonable amount of time, don't wait around. If he isn't reasonably affectionate and interested in sex, drop him. If he doesn't spend romantic time with you, it's because he doesn't want to, and it doesn't matter why. Men driven to be stars of some kind are lousy prospects for marriage. They're like workaholics, only worse. Their dreams of stardom totally eclipse any interest in a normal life and a normal marriage. Worst of all, hidden within those dreams lurks a cruel reality for the woman who helps such a man in his quest: The prize for his success includes women -- young, beautiful, available women in endless supply. It has always been so. Whether a man is a showbiz celebrity, a charismatic politician, a military dictator, an investment banking star or just a behind-the-scenes wielder of great wealth and power, women are part of the payoff. Each one of these successful men has a line of ambitious women and "star-fuckers" that stretches around the block. While the sexual escapades of the rich and powerful are frequent sources of gossip, sex is never explicitly acknowledged as a reward for success. Yet every man who has his sights on the top understands the deal very clearly. Most women seem to be oblivious to this reality. I'm always amazed at the number of phone calls I get from women who are sure that some celebrity is just the one for them -- not just as a fantasy roll in the hay, but as a husband! This category of time waster seems almost too obvious to discuss, but women keep coming to me for counseling because they're hung up on a married man. It can happen to anyone. I'm sure I would have been married sooner if I'd simply avoided all married men. But like many women, I had to learn the hard way. I dated two married men seriously. One was separated when met him. After a year of dating me, he got his wife (with whom he swore he wasn't sleeping) pregnant. The other one didn't tell me he was married until we had been dating for several weeks. I was too much in love and too stupid to stop seeing him right away. Both gave me presents, wined and dined me, but neither, of course, had the slightest potential as a husband. Married men have lots of lines. They'll try you out by saying they're "just a little bit married." If that doesn't work, they'll switch to acting sincere and convince you that their wives "don't understand them" or they "haven't had sex with their wives for years," or they and their wives "have an understanding," or they're "just waiting until the kids leave home and they'll get a divorce." Don't believe any of it. Like my second married man, some will even lie and claim they're single. If they do, how can you tell? There are lots of signals that a man is unavailable. He doesn't give you his home phone number. He doesn't see you on weekends or holidays. He breaks dates with feeble excuses at the last minute. He rarely spends the night. He might as well be married, because he's still deeply attached to his former wife or girlfriend. Just divorced, he's an emotional basket case. He lives in a singles' complex with a "ready-renter's" package of plastic plates, tin silverware, and Army surplus cups. His heart is still broken; he's still thinking about getting her back and is frantic about her sleeping with some other guy. He feels guilty about the kids, and frets about what her lawyer's taking away from him, the house he already lost, and how he's going to make those alimony and child- support payments. He's not ready to love again and won't be for some time. He'll date you as often as you want, but you won't have much fun with his ex along. No matter where you go or what you do or say, your every action will be colored by his ongoing involvement with his past. Yet the Convalescents always seem to find an "interim" woman who's willing to fill the space between his breakup and his getting well. The interim woman usually winds up as a patsy, putting up with the Convalescent's condition in the hope that she'll win him in the end, but she rarely does. The convalescent usually recovers, but when he does, he moves on to a flurry of dating, and ultimately, to another woman -- a new, exciting woman, one who doesn't remind him of his painful convalescence. Never play the part of the interim woman. If you decide you're interested in a convalescent, let him have his interim relationship with someone else, watch from a distance and then step in later. Typically, this is a postconvalescent divorcee. Now that his wounds are healed, he's making up for lost time. He buys a little sports car, fusses over every gray hair, shops for toupees and throws himself into a hyperactive social life. He's on every train. The only predictable pattern followed by the Midlife Crisis Case is that he won't date anyone less than twenty years younger than he is. If you spot the middle-aged man you're attracted to with a younger woman on his arm, you'll know he's a true Midlife Crisis Case if: (1) the woman is not his daughter, (2) it's a different young woman every time you see him, (3) his own friends are worried about him making a fool of himself, and (4) he's not listening to them. If you're still attracted to him, just remember that some cases of midlife crisis last twenty years. The total flake doesn't pay his bills, can't be depended on and will always disappoint you when it comes to marriage. His life is such a disaster that there's no way he can meld it with someone else's life. The problem with total flakes is that we sometimes think we can fix them and then they'll be perfect husbands. No way. They always regress -- to drinking, taking drugs, gambling or just making endless promises they never keep, including the one to marry you. The perpetual bachelor seems super eligible at first. He comes with almost everything -- dishes, silver, pictures on the wall, a housekeeper and maybe even a dog. Not a thing out of place. The perfect nest, lacking only you to make it a perfect little family. You begin to imagine moving into his life. Forget it. His house and belongings may be perfect, but he's not. He may be fun to date, but as husband material, he's a mirage. The perpetual bachelor shudders at the thought of a woman in his life on a full-time basis. He might have to share the bathroom! Or -- horror of horrors - - redecorate the living room! You can tell a perpetual bachelor from an ordinary nice guy with a nice house in several ways. The perpetual bachelor protects his autonomy fiercely, hates to have his routine interrupted, barely tolerates children, never promises exclusivity and is over forty-five and has never lived with a woman. Perpetual bachelors hardly ever change. You don't have time to wait for a miracle to happen. So what do you do if you find yourself already involved with one of these proven time wasters? 1. Forget every fantasy you might have of changing him. 2. If he's a cute flake, a charming bachelor, or a gorgeous star, enjoy him as an acquaintance and, when needed, an escort to a party. Make an arrangement that leaves you both free to flirt with others. 3. Even though he's totally unsuitable, he may know someone who's just right for you. Ask him to introduce you to his friends. Go ahead -- he'll probably be relieved to know the pressure's off him. With time wasters, you're at least safe from winding up in a desperately unhappy marriage. These are the guys who won't marry you. Then there the guys YOU don't want to marry. These guys are more dangerous. Some of them will love you, love you, love you -- and rush you right into a disastrous relationship. Above we reviewed some men who won't marry you. Here are the men YOU don't want to marry. The Achiever is a universal man married to a higher cause, dedicated to something larger than he is, like medicine, or humanity. The Achiever is an admirable member of society but a lousy partner in a relationship. He pays little attention to you and is often too tired to do anything but sleep when he takes time off. Your love for each other is a grain of sand compared to the global grandeur of his more time-consuming passion, but he does have some advantages. He is dependable -- for some things. He always knows what time it is, he makes dates well in advance, and if he can't show, he'll either call or be reasonably apologetic. It's easy to get sucked in by an Achiever. On the surface he's such a good citizen, so attractive, successful, hard working, affluent, even intelligent. He's the man your mother always dreamed you'd marry. It's impossible not to think of marriage with him, because an Achiever offers financial security and obviously needs a wife. Then he could devote more time to his coma patients or to his study of prehistoric reptiles. Without having to worry about details like cooking or cleaning house, he could save precious seconds. Actually, a robot would do fine for that, but he needs a Stepford wife to sit quietly at awards dinners and look good. If you try to get him away from his work, he will only make you feel tacky and small. Your world consciousness will be suspect and he'll most likely suggest volunteer work of some kind. If all this upsets you, don't complain to your mother or your friends; they'll agree with him. The Timebomb is your classic unstable personality hidden beneath a normal veneer. Timebombs come in several varieties: latent alcoholics, compulsive gamblers, obsessive Don Juans, drug abusers, physical abusers, and just plain crazies. If you could see the inner person, you wouldn't go near him. The problem is that the Timebomb is attractive and charming on the surface, and it's hard to hear the Timebomb ticking.... He's so nice in the beginning that you tend to get hooked. Then, just as you begin to feel certain that true love has at last felled you and someone else at the same time, an explosion goes off. And of course the first time it happens you don't recognize it as a pattern. The Timebomb doesn't just get mad when you argue. He breaks your jaw. He doesn't just fall in love with another woman. He runs off with your best friend when you're seven months pregnant. He doesn't just lose his job, he gets fired for embezzling money and expects you to stand by him during the trial. He doesn't just blow money at the track, he loses your life savings. Afterwards, he swears he is reformed; he'll never binge, gamble, cheat, O.D., hit you, or go crazy again.... If he's got you hooked on loving him, you forgive him and hope all will be well. But it isn't, and the signs were there all along. His ex- wife doesn't speak to him, his former live-in girl friend is in an institution for the mentally disturbed, and a jealous male or enraged female is always trying to kill him. He hates his job and always wanted to be an actor. He even took lessons once. If you listen very closely, you can hear the ticking. A Timebomb seems to enjoy telling about his perilous personal life: how his ex-wife tried to run him over with her car, how some guy tried to shoot him for dating his girl. Get out when you hear the ticking, not after the explosion. Separate your bank accounts and divide up your mutual possessions. Then change your phone number and the locks on your door. Never accept collect calls from jail. The Waffler won't make a decision. He's not sure of anything, including whether he wants you. The basic reason he can't decide is because he's greedy. He really wants everything. He's afraid he's missing something with someone else each minute he's with you. A Waffler never makes a date ahead of time for anything because he is afraid something better might come along at the last minute, and then he'd be committed to you and unhappy all night thinking about what he might have missed. He breaks dates often, especially after the initial glow of a relationship is fading, whenever he thinks he's found someone who looks better. He never stops looking, even after he's been married for years. Even when he's with you, there's no real fun with a Waffler because he can't enjoy the here and now. He's always imagining a prettier face, bigger tits, a taller, longer- legged version of you somewhere. No real woman ever lives up to the fantasy one in his mind. A Waffler can change his philosophy of life in an hour; he considers changing careers, homes, selling out and moving away. Nothing he already has is ever any good for very long. He thinks that more or different or new acquisitions will make him happy. What he really needs is about two years of intensive professional help, not you. The Supervisor is a natural critic and speaks only from his own perfection. When you meet him, he immediately gives you all his credits, and lets you know you're very lucky he's chosen you. Naturally, you're impressed by his good taste. It's obvious from he way he criticizes everyone else that you and he are the perfect two. If it isn't obvious, he tells you. He knows how you should dress, put your makeup on, even brush your teeth, and as long as you agree, he's happy. He knows what will make you happy, too. He will direct your career, tell you how to talk to your mother, even what you want in lovemaking. He knows without a doubt that what you really need the most is him. There's always a moment when things start to go sour in a relationship with a Supervisor: when he discovers you don't dust the tops of the doors. The first chink in your perfection is his opening. From there he splits your self- confidence apart, leaving your ego in little pieces. Suddenly you can't do simple things you always did almost automatically. If you make coffee, the pot burns up. If it's a roast, it's still frozen on the inside. There's no way you can do anything right. It's all downhill from there. Soon the slightest infraction of the supervisor's rules of conduct turns him into a raging beast and you into a tear-dripping mess. The Carpetbagger is easy to spot because he stayed over at your apartment one night and he's still there. He doesn't have to call home because he doesn't have one. His dog is in the car and so are most of his belongings. He always has enough clothes with him to last at least a month. He's always broke and hungry when he gets to your place and will stay as long as you feed him and give him lots of love. He's attractive and sweet and helpful around the apartment and a wonderful lover. He has a way of just fitting in. But, of course, he never takes you anywhere. He's either about to make a fortune or has just lost one, and it makes a wonderful story. He knows you'll nurture him between fortunes. No matter how much you give the Carpetbagger, he doesn't give anything back, except playing the guitar and making love. When you think he's gotten everything you have to offer, eaten all the food in the apartment, finished the wine, and exhausted you, he'll say, "I have a load of dirty clothes in the trunk of my car. Is it okay if I just put them in your machine?" Then he needs dogfood for his Great Dane, stationery to write his mother, a stamp of course, and do you have a sweater big enough for him to borrow? In the beginning the Carpetbagger can be tender and delicate with his lovemaking, almost worshipful, a wellspring of foreplay. But when he finishes with lovemaking he usually finds something urgent he must do, leaving you with a foretaste of his ultimate splitting. After he's moved on to a fresh nurturer, your apartment feels empty, as though your favorite guppy passed away. The Fairy Godfather is almost impossible to resist. His pitch is that he's not like all those other men who weren't so nice. He's different, and he's here to show you what real love is like. "Just give me a chance," he begs. Whatever your secret fantasy is, the Fairy Godfather ferrets it out. He wants to make you happy, so he pretends to be whatever you always wanted. He promises to make your dreams come true, even before he knows specifics. He loves you, loves you, loves you! He never takes his eyes or his hands off you. Even if there's something obviously wrong with the man, you pretend he's okay because, after all, he does love you and that's good for something. In almost no time at all, he's like a member of your family. Your parents always ask how he is. They too believe your Fairy Godfather is going to protect you from the world. Lucky you. Whatever your dreams -- marriage, career, a family, travel - - the fairy Godfather is here to make them true. He not only makes dates in advance, he has wonderful things planned for the rest of your life. The fantasy dangled before you by the Fairy Godfather is like a golden carrot, and like a tired racehorse you perk up at the bait. Soon, the idea of losing him is inextricably tied to the thought of losing all those dreams, of never getting to do all the wonderful things he has planned for you. You see houses, trips, true love, marriage and babies floating away with his love, and so you battle to keep your affair going. It's a losing fight. The Fairy Godfather is a fantasy (partly ours) and his promises are worth less than the paper they're not written on. You finally begin to notice that nothing you both talk about every actually happens. Check out Tracy Cabot at: loveadvice.com |