ROMANCE TIPS FOR 35+

Romance Tips for 35+ Plus

The Top 10 Relationship Mistakes

The articles on this page are for those over 35 who are contemplating, actively seeking or in a new relationship. March's article is about compromising when in love and the most common relationship mistakes men and women can make.

THE TOP 10 RELATIONSHIP MISTAKES

By Andy Whaling and the members of Single Directions

Each Sunday, up to 140 people gather in Pasadena, Calif. This group of single men and women in their 30s, 40s and 50s come together to work on relationship skills, meet other singles and share life experiences through the group Single Directions

On March 9, 2003, the group collectively combined their life experiences and voted on more than 30 different mistakes adults learn through the school of dating hard knocks. From their voting, they drew up this list of the top 10 mistakes smart singles make when falling in love.

Take a look. If you are in a relationship that seems to have stalled, and you can't seem to get past that three- or six-month mark, you may find the reason -- and thus the solution -- below.

1. Creating a relationship without also building a friendship. This happens when you get deeply involved and never take time to get to know your partner or care about what really matters to him or her.

2. Not being honest about how you really feel, what you want or what really bothers you. Instead you pretend that there are no problems and go along with things. You walk on eggshells, stuffing your feelings instead of doing what's hard: either resolving the issues or leaving.

3. Not taking care of yourself before, during and after the relationship.

4. Depending on your partner for your happiness instead of establishing your own life. You expect the other person to make your life wonderful and complete. You put everything into building your whole life around just one person.

5. Forgetting that true love takes time. You start too fast or leave too soon.

6. Expending all your energy on creating romance, or focusing on sex rather than working on the relationship.

7. Searching for love without knowing what you need or want.

8. Believing that if the sex is good everything else will work out.

9. Relying on first impressions to make your choices.

10. Failing to discover what went wrong in your last relationship -- and therefore making the same mistake again.

Andy Whaling, MFT, is the Relationship Editor for CouplesCompany.com and the founder and Director of Pasadena, Calif.-based Single Directions, a non-profit dedicated to helping singles 30+ find love and keep it.

HOW MUCH SHOULD YOU COMPROMISE IN LOVE?

By Randy B. Hechts

Remember the dating absolutes of your youth? There was a time when all a first date had to do was speak unkindly of our favorite recording artist - or some similar triviality that then carried the full weight of the world in character judgment - and poof! There went the prospects for that relationship.

OK, we've grown. She doesn't have to be a size 6 or smaller. It's OK if he's lost his hair. Like our younger selves, we have certain non-negotiables on our romance wish lists - but those areas in which we refuse to compromise have changed.

For singles with children, parenthood itself is the most heated of all hot buttons. "I want to be the right woman's best friend and lover," says Sam, 46, a paramedic. "But if she is the right woman, she understands right out the gate that first and foremost I'm a dad. If that's a concept that she can't accept and even embrace, then all the wine and candlelight in the world don't mean a thing. I'm ready to make a new commitment, but not at the expense of the commitment I've already made to my son and daughter. Period."

Finance is another issue that plays more havoc with midlife relationships than it does with those of youth. "I'm not rich, but I've always taken care of myself," says Janelle, 51, an executive assistant. "A guy who's loaded down with debt, hasn't given a thought to retirement, just isn't a good match for me in the rest of my life as I've planned it. I'm not looking to be anyone's dependent, but I want a partner, not someone who I'm going to have to support."

Health questions loom larger as we age, too. "I had a heart attack," says Dale, 58, an engineer, "and my girlfriend did not handle it well. She made it pretty clear that she didn't like being in the hospital. Tell you what, I wasn't too crazy about it myself. But that's why they throw that 'in sickness and in health' business into the marriage vows - we get old, and stuff happens. Fortunately I found out beforehand that I wasn't going to be able to depend on her for that."

For events planner Paula, 44, fidelity matters. "I was completely bowled over by my last boyfriend's charm, so much so that I didn't ask enough questions early on," she says. "I knew he was divorced, but it was a while before I found out how many times. And each time, he'd been unfaithful. He told me he's matured and is past that now. I wish I could have believed him, but I didn't. I'm sure he's charming someone else now. Me, I'm holding out for someone I really feel I can trust."

Our new priorities may not be as sexy or glamorous as the ones we sported in our youth, but like low-rise jeans, those old non-negotiables simply don't suit us anymore. These new ones hold a lot more promise for helping us to begin a love affair that will last the rest of our lives. And when you think about it, that's as sexy as it gets.

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Last revised on 03-16-04